We all have (or should have) standards for ourselves, but we also have standards for others. If we are to be truthful, we have to admit that people pick mates, friends, and employees based on more than just their talents and dispositions. But the measuring tape that is used is often too tangled in our own perceptions, not in humanity or in universal principles, or even common sense.

The problem with this is, of course, that perceptions are narrow and focused and based on our value systems. Whatever is valued most is what is sought after first, and what affects choices. For instance, when searching for a mate or employee, your perception of beauty or acceptable appearance is first because we see the person first and then decide to take the next steps.

When it is determined that the person who is aesthetically pleasing lacks other qualities or a pleasing personality, or has nothing in common with you, you still make the choice of continuing a relationship. I remember acquaintances who chose mates because they thought their children would have “good” hair. Or, even if the person is not someone you would be seen with in any other circumstance but is wealthy, you continue the relationship.

If a person who would put customers off because of their appearance (as you see it) – even though the skills and personality are a perfect fit for the job – you do not consider him/her to fill the position. You may take advantage of those skills, however, in an obscure position (where s/he is not seen by the public). And of course, if the person is a looker but has no discernible skills or is the child of an executive, s/he gets the position.

A personal experience I had was when I moved down south for a time and was seeking employment. It was difficult finding work for a while, and it took a social worker to inform me that it was because of my hair. When I changed it, I got a job that I was previously turned down for.

And if your child does not fit into the norm of what you desire (like following tradition or religion), s/he is ostracized and in some extreme cases, excommunicated from the family.

It has always amazed me that people consider shallowness above all else even to their own detriment. Incompetent management because of nepotism or the like has been the downfall of businesses. Relationships have resulted in bitter divorces or stalking or violence. Children have become substance abusers or worse, or conformed to the “norm” and become bitter.

There are standards that coagulate into a normal society, and sometimes that works. But it does not work for everyone. I think of things like In Search of Our Mothers’ Gardens and historical blunders where nations of people were overlooked or criticized or ostracized because of a standard norm of the time that was so narrowly focused that many opportunities for humanity were potentially missed.