There is a Japanese proverb that theorizes everyone has three faces: The first, you show the world; the second, you show those close to you; the third, you never show. It is said the third face is the one that is your truest reflection. And of course there’s the three wise monkeys who see, hear, and speak no evil.

How many times have you heard “But he was such a nice boy” about a serial killer who was caught after his 20th kill? Maybe you had a glimpse of that true personality but found it safer and easier to just pretend the mask he showed everybody was the real him. And what about the person found to be molesting little children, or the one who embezzled a company’s entire pension fund? What about the person who dumped you or you caught cheating that you thought really loved you? Were they really good at hiding their true nature, or were you really good at pretending not to notice?

Social norms have specific requirements. We don’t act the same way at work as we do at home, and we change our clothes and manners when going somewhere formally versus going to a friend’s. This is fine up to a point, because decorum is usually desired in different settings – no one wants abnormal or wild behavior except at a party or amusement park.

We usually accept people at “face value” because the one they show us is the one we really want to see. Why? Because we show the one we really want them to see. Every first approach or impression is going to be that first face. It’s very rare for anyone to reveal the second one at first (or tenth) meeting.

But do you keep the first (or even second) face on for an entire working, school, or personal relationship? Could you even recognize your third face if you do that?